Getting turned on for yourself can be a wonderful, fulfilling experience. It can also be a great way to learn what turns you off and on so that when you do have sex with others, you can make the experience as pleasurable for them as it is for you.
But how do you have sex with yourself?
1. Turn off the phone
Whether you’re new to phone sex, or you’ve already been experimenting with it and are an old pro, a few key things are important. First and foremost, make sure you have a good phone connection and no distractions. It’s also a good idea to have some way to turn up the volume so that your partner can hear you a little more clearly, and maybe even use a vibrate mode.
Lastly, you’ll want to get yourself in an erotic mood. Regular exercise, for example, can help, and focusing on the breath is erotic in its own right. Having some erotic reading material handy can also be a great option, says Michels.
If you’re not comfortable with sex talk over the phone, start out small by thinking about what it is that turns you on and listening to sexy podcasts or kink-education videos. The more you become comfortable talking about sexual desires, the easier it will be to have phone sex. You can also try giving each other instructions (like dictating how or when you’d like to touch yourself) to add an element of dominance and submission.
2. Turn off the lights
There’s nothing more romantic than the sexy darkness of lights out sex. It gives you the opportunity to see things that turn you on and re-focus your attention to sensations. This is a great way to increase intimacy and trust in the bedroom.
However, it can also be a source of insecurity for those who are not confident in their bodies. You may feel like you are putting yourself at risk by having sex with the lights off, and that might be enough to make you shy away from it altogether.
If this is the case for you, it is important to talk to your partner about what turns them on in the dark and how you can build trust to get there together. It can also help to remind them of all the parts of your body that they find sexy, rather than harping on the areas you’re less comfortable with.
Remember, you are a goddess and there are plenty of people out there who find your body attractive just as it is.
3. Turn off the music
While music can boost your pleasure, it can also be distracting. Try removing it from your experience so that you can hear yourself masturbate and enjoy the sensations of your body. If you’re not comfortable touching yourself without hearing your own sounds, try playing with a sex toy while massaging your clit and don’t be afraid to moan, groan or even scream! This can help you become familiar with your sexy sounds and learn to express them with your partners.
If you’re not into a lullaby, try listening to your favorite horny song or reading some erotica. Just don’t compare yourself to others — what turns you on is totally unique to you.
If you’re still in need of some arousal, check out this list of 46 ways to get horny (and some don’t even involve masturbation!). You can also practice getting intimate with yourself by giving yourself a sensual massage, or trying a new self-pleasure technique. Getting in touch with your sexuality can be an amazing confidence booster and it’s never too late to start.
4. Turn off the TV
There are lots of ways to get turned on by self-pleasure, including reading erotic books or magazines or watching porn. However, it’s important to be mindful of what you are tuning into as a source of pleasure. “You can have a powerful relationship with your body, but you also need to feed it things that nourish,” says sexual empowerment coach Jocelyn Silva, who works for Blush.
Turning off the TV can help you create a more private space, so you can explore your sensual side. And without the distraction of your phone, you can focus on what is turning you on and what doesn’t.
You may find that massaging your clitoris is the ultimate orgasm—or that you like stroking your vagina and working yourself into arousal before moving on to fingering yourself. If you want a little inspiration, check out the OMGyes site, which has a ton of scientist-backed videos about female pleasure. You can even learn how to ejaculate and massage your clit. (Try it while watching the middle 40 minutes of Magic Mike, too.)
5. Turn off the lights
Many people have sex with themselves without their partner — this is called masturbation, playing with yourself or bringing yourself off. It’s quite normal and can help you figure out what parts of your body turn you on or off, so you can communicate your boundaries more clearly during partnered sex.
Touching yourself is very sensual, whether you’re just stroking your dick or using a vibrator to titillate your penis or vagina. If you’re doing it with a partner, it’s even more intimate and can really get your blood pumping. If you’re not sure what to do, try some fingering — rubbing on and around your clitoris with your fingers gets a lot of people turned on. Vary the speed and apply different pressure to see what feels good.
When you touch yourself, you’re connecting with your sexuality and that can do wonders for your self-love and confidence. But if you’re worried that your partner will feel uncomfortable or be grossed out, it might help to talk about it and explain what works for you.
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